Why I am a pussy. Or, why i cant throw really good bags on a friday night before a dinner party.

When you try to be really nice and all he does is suck up to you.


When you go nuclear, things actually get done.


When you ask for the truth and all you get is runarounds.


When you try to be strong and fierce and now you are a bitch or a whore.

this is what it’s like.


life.


credentials, privileged, pedigreed life.


It doesn’t matter if you have a degree from harvard or you are working welfare

be a woman. experience what it is.


fancier trappings are the only difference.

and me?

how i am supposed to be your dependent? jesus fucking christ.

friends are cool with it because they have nice men as their husbands, but i have you.


alcoholic

ptsd

anger

lost youth


1 treatment in 17 years for ptsd, probable adhd, probable depression, obesity, high cholesterol.

i’m married to a fat man with war issues that yells at his kids all the time and has a belly like the guy in roseanne, and substitutes cornhole for a run.


and i just turned down a dream job in colorado for a comfortable middle class lifestyle to make him feel like more of a man.


maybe i’m too nice.


maybe when his dad pleads with me not to give up on him in the heaven of the canary islands on vacation, i can expect him to change.


i guess i never expected him to change because of me.


i thought the kids would do the trick — but that is total shit.


his sister gave him more time in grief for me. it’s horrible and he needs time.

how much more time?


i want a bigger family. i’m 40. i cannot wait.

midlife crisis + grief + ptsd + being married to woman with prospects + fear of the unknown + pain

now- according to him i’m cold. i’m mean. yadda yadda.

somehow, it’s my fault.

again.

buddhist thought is that you should just start again.

not be judgey and just start again.

was that a man writing this particular buddhist text?

women never start again, we are always multitasking. turning the kids, the work, the foraging, the cooking, the etc to nourish and protect our family.

is multitasking helping women? or hurting?

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